BY CLIFF SMELLEY
Heartbreak that derives from a failed relationship can make you sick and bring about a variety of emotions, but it doesn’t have to define who you are as a person. You can rise above it, grow from it and leave it in the past.
That’s the advice Nicole Slocum has for women in her eBook “Rise and Reclaim: Healing after Heartbreak.”
“It’s a blueprint for transformation,” Slocum said. “In there is a guide. It’s going to teach you how to feel (heartbreak) and how to go through it and get through it. You’re going to feel it, you’re going to acknowledge it, and you’re going to move forward.”
The book is available at Amazon’s Kindle Store as well as at slocumshine.gumroad.com.
Slocum, a 2012 Bradford High School graduate, said the writing “flowed” from her — so much so that she completed it in two days. It consists of seven chapters.
Though she felt she had more to write, Slocum said God told her, “This is all you need to say right now.”
She relied upon God to help her in her writing and encourages her readers to rely upon God to help them with their heartbreak. As part of her book, she wrote that God “didn’t let that heartbreak happen to destroy you — it happened to grow you, to strengthen you, to align you with the life you’re meant to live.”
An inspiration for the book came from Slocum’s own life and how she felt she had no one to turn to when she experienced heartbreak.
“I’m stepping into shoes that I wish somebody had filled for me,” Slocum said.
Think of her book as a conversation between her and the reader. Slocum has attempted to create as much of a personal relationship as possible through the written word, often starting sentences in her book with “Sis.” That’s how she wants readers to think of her — as a sister or just someone they’d be comfortable with confiding in.
“We can share this journey together because I’ve been through it,” Slocum said. “Let’s talk about it.”
She also uses the term “Queen” as a way of empowering her readers and letting them know that heartbreak won’t prevent them from becoming the best person they can be. Slocum encourages readers to “stop letting life happen to you and start making it happen for you.” As she wrote in her book, “You define you,” not anything in your past.
Slocum takes her readers through seven chapters, with the first revealing that it’s OK to feel bad in the aftermath of a breakup. She writes that the brain interprets the breakup as pain — the same as any pain that results from a physical action. Gone are the hormones and neural transmitters, such as dopamine, that were released by your brain when you were experiencing pleasure from being with a person you loved.
“Your brain is crying out for their return,” Slocum wrote, adding that the silver lining that a broken heart can also mend itself.
“The journey to healing begins with you,” she writes.
In the midst of heartbreak, it’s easy to look at yourself as a victim only, but did you actually play a part in the breakup? Slocum encourages her readers to evaluate their actions in the relationship — “not to take on blame, but to bring clarity to the situation.” Identifying mistakes you made is an opportunity for you to grow as a person.
That growth can help you in the next relationship when it comes to triggers — those things that remind you of your previous relationship.
As is the case throughout her book, Slocum shares moments from her own life.
“There was one time I caught myself pushing someone away because I was so afraid they’d hurt me like someone else did,” she writes. “It wasn’t fair to them, and it wasn’t fair to me, either. When I finally apologized and owned up to my behavior, it was like a weight lifted off my chest. I knew it wasn’t me; it was my triggers.”
Slocum, in an effort to convince readers that they can put heartbreak behind them, shares something about her life that goes far beyond a breakup. She was the victim of rape twice. She remembers how she felt alone, especially after the first incident when she, as a child, was harassed by adults. Slocum asked herself, “What did I do wrong to get all this hate?”
“I know what it’s like to feel abandoned, like the world has turned its back on you,” Slocum writes, adding, “I know the shame, the guilt, the questions that follow you like shadows: ‘Why did this happen to me? Will I ever feel whole again?’ Sis, I want you to know something: You are not forgotten. God has never left you, even in your darkest moments.
“That pain you carry is not your identity — it’s a wound that can heal with time, faith and love.”
Slocum’s book is written for all women, but she said she feels it will be especially helpful for Black women like herself. As an example, she writes in her book that Black women are expected to be strong and to carry others’ burdens while pretending that they’re fine.
“In our culture, we’re told to just keep moving forward no matter what,” Slocum said. “We don’t go through therapy. We don’t go through counseling. We are our own counselor.”
If Black women are taking care of others, who’s taking care of them? Slocum hopes her book can play a role in providing that care.
In fact, Slocum finds herself transitioning from the role of author to the role of the role of reader when she feels she needs a little help.
“I go back and read it myself,” she said, adding, “I really need to listen to my own advice.”
What has proven interesting since her book was published is that it’s not just reaching women.
“I’ve actually had more men read my book that women so far,” Slocum said. “It’s crazy.”
Of course, as soon as she said that, she realized it’s not so crazy after all.
“Heartbreak is universal,” she said.
